Worse Than Boys Page 9

  I was ignored by them all until home time. I was desperate to get out of the school gates, away from everything. Though I knew home and my mum were no comfort to me. I expected Erin and the rest to be waiting for me, but it was Wizzie who was there. She wasn’t even looking at me when she spoke. She spoke in a voice so soft that anyone looking might have thought she hadn’t even noticed I was there. But her words were just like a knife inside me.

  ‘You’re going to be really sorry for grassing us up, Driscoll. One dark night, me and the girls are coming to get you. And you’ll have nobody to back you up.’

  Then she moved inches closer so I could catch her next words. ‘See, McGinty had it all wrong. Being in a gang means you belong. And you, Driscoll, don’t belong any more.’

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  It was true. I didn’t belong any more. And every day after that, I could feel Wizzie and her gang watching me. They were going to get me for grassing, and I remembered all the times we’d come up against each other. I hadn’t been afraid then, but I’d always had my gang to back me up. Now I had no one.

  It wasn’t that everyone turned against me. Moira Hood, in my class, a really nice girl, always asked me to sit with her in the canteen, came to talk to me in the yard. But they even managed to turn that against me.

  ‘I see you’re Moira’s latest charity case,’ Erin muttered one day as she passed me in the corridor.

  A charity case, that’s exactly what I felt like.

  Zak Riley offered to let me join his crowd. ‘You’re safer with a bunch of boys, Hannah.’ And that made all his friends laugh. If I’d thought he was serious I might just have agreed.

  I met Rose’s brother coming out of the boys’ toilets one day and hurried after him. Rose thinks her brother’s brilliant and I thought that maybe if I could talk to him he would pass a message on to Rose.

  I called after him and he turned round. I saw his eyes go up in exasperation. ‘What is it, Hannah?’

  ‘I want you to talk to Rose.’

  ‘I already have. I think you’re all acting like idiots. But girls fall out all the time. It’s not the end of the world, Hannah.’

  I realised then that what was the end of the world for me, was to him just his sister and one of her pals having a falling out. He saw how pale my face was. How could he not?

  ‘Don’t let it get to you,’ he said. ‘You look ill.’

  In a way, I was ill. I was sick to my stomach all the time. Because I cry myself to sleep every night, I wanted to tell him, but he answered it himself. ‘There’s a bug going about. Think you might have caught it.’ Then he took another step back as if he might catch it too.

  He left, assuring me he would talk to his sister. I think he only said that to get away from me. When I turned from him, there were Wizzie and Grace and Lauren all watching and smirking. I felt even sicker.

  My only hope was that it just might work. Rose thought the world of her big brother. Maybe she’d listen to him.

  Everyone in school was aware that Wizzie and her gang had threatened to get me. Most people thought I had it coming – hadn’t I always been fighting with them? Moira thought I should tell one of the teachers. In Moira’s world, the teachers always helped. But I was done with teachers.

  It was later that same day when Rose passed a note to me. For a moment, a wonderful moment, I thought I had the answer I was looking for. She even smiled, with those bright white teeth of hers she was so proud of. Teeth that didn’t need the brace everyone else wore. My hands were shaking as I unfolded it.

  Don’t ever speak to my brother again. You deserve everything you get. Grass.

  I looked back at her and her smile had turned to a snarl. Erin and the rest erupted with laughter. She’d told them all.

  The teacher turned from the blackboard. ‘What’s the joke?’ he snapped.

  And Erin mouthed to me, ‘You are.’

  Wizzie saw it all. Her gaze seemed to say, ‘No one to back you up. Not long now.’ It was as if she was playing with me, the way a cat plays with a mouse, waiting for the right moment to pounce on me. And I couldn’t get Wizzie’s knife out of my head. She’d never used it in a fight with us. In fact, I’d never even seen her with one. But it was all I thought about. She’d never use it on me, would she? But I had heard on the news just that morning, about a girl who had been stabbed in the school dinner queue because she’d grassed.

  Even then my humiliation wasn’t over. I was scared to go out of the school gates that day, sure they would be waiting for me. If there had been another exit I would have used it. Erin and Heather hung back too.

  ‘What’s the problem, Hannah? Scared the Hell Cats are gonny get you?’

  ‘They’ll want to pay you back for all the times you fought with them,’ Heather said.

  ‘Not so bold now, are you?’

  At last I found my voice. ‘How can you do this? I was your friend, remember? One for all and all that.’

  Heather sniggered. ‘You’re the one who started it.’

  ‘That’s not true!’

  Erin pulled her on, not wanting to listen. ‘Come on, Heather. She’s putting me off my tea.’

  There was a sudden yell from behind us. Mrs Tasker came clattering down the corridor.

  ‘I heard that, Erin! Heard every word. You two,’ she pointed an angry finger at Erin and Heather, ‘are in my office first thing in the morning!’

  I saw her glance at the gates. Wizzie and the Hell Cats were standing about casually. I could almost see her putting two and two together. Me, like a wimp, hiding inside the building, scared to go out in case they were waiting for me. ‘Hannah, I’ll take you home.’

  I knew she meant well. Mrs Tasker always means well. But she only made things worse again. She led me out into the school yard, towards the car park. In full view of everyone, she was taking me home. Like I was some terrified little girl who needed protection. And wasn’t that what I was?

  She drove through the school gates, and they were all standing there, watching. Wizzie, and Erin, and all the rest. Staring at me through the car window. They broke a path to let us through. I saw them snigger, make faces at me. I knew what they were thinking.

  Maybe, I thought, I should go to a new school. Because I decided then and there, I was never coming back to this one.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  All the way home, Mrs Tasker did her best to make me feel better. She is a nice woman. I could see that. She just couldn’t understand what was going on.

  ‘You just have to get over it, Hannah. I know it’s hard. I can see how cruel they’re being to you. But just you face up to them with your head held high, and you’ll soon get through this, and find other friends.’

  Other friends? I couldn’t imagine it. I thanked her and she gripped my hand as I slid from the car.

  ‘See you tomorrow, Hannah?’

  But I had already decided that she wouldn’t. I trudged upstairs to our flat and opened the door. The emptiness, the silence, only made me feel worse. Maybe if I’d been going home each day to a houseful of brothers and sisters my mind would have been lifted. I had too much time to think. But Mum was hardly ever here when I came home. Not her fault. She had to work. This was her late shift. She wouldn’t be home for ages. Wouldn’t want to face her anyway.

  She’d left something for me to microwave – lasagne – but I couldn’t eat anything. I even tried watching television for a while, but the film on Sky was about a teenager dying from some awful disease. Not exactly uplifting. I wanted to sleep, because at least when I was sleeping I could forget about it for a while. But when I lay on my bed, sleep just wouldn’t come. My mind was too full for sleep. I went over everything again and again, and it got worse every time. What had happened already, and what was yet to come.

  Finally, I got up and went into the bathroom and opened the glass cabinet over the sink.

  The first thing I saw – my mum’s sleeping pills.

  She still kept them here, still tr
usted with them despite …

  Mum’s secret that everyone knew and no one spoke about.

  Usually I didn’t think about it either – pushed it to the very deepest corner of my mind. I thought about it now.

  Remembered.

  Remembered finding her on the floor when I came in from school that day, and the note lying beside her.

  Sorry, Hannah, I can’t go on any more …

  I didn’t read the rest. I tore it to pieces I was so angry with her, so scared. The neighbours came and I was held back, too young to be involved. I watched them take her away on a stretcher, not knowing if she was alive or dead.

  My aunt had looked after me while she was in hospital. She was angry too. She thought my mum was weak, couldn’t face up to life. They hadn’t spoken since.

  I could never understand why she’d done it.

  Dad had left, but our life wasn’t that bad. She had a job. We had this nice flat. It was something inside my mother that was wrong.

  And now, for the first time, I understood. When I was asleep, I could forget about what was happening. I wanted to sleep all the time.

  Maybe I wanted to sleep for ever.

  I stared at her box of tablets and felt my face come out in a cold sweat.

  Bet they’d all be sorry then.

  I pictured my mum coming home and finding me in bed. She wouldn’t worry, not then. I was always in bed early now. It would be morning before the panic would set in. She would come into my room and not be able to wake me up.

  And they would all get the blame.

  I could see the headlines.

  THEY DROVE HER TO SUICIDE

  And it would all come out, everything they had done to me. There would be an inquiry. An outcry. My story would be discussed on television. It would never happen again, some politician would promise.

  And then, there would be my funeral.

  I saw my coffin in the church, draped in white, a gold crucifix placed on top of it. And Erin, and Heather, and Rose, and all the rest would cower in the back, sobbing tears of shame. No one would talk to them. They’d be isolated. Alone.

  Let them cry, I thought. A sea of tears wouldn’t make up for what they’d done to me.

  It would be too late.

  Too late for me.

  Too late for them.

  All I had to do was open that bottle and swallow those tablets.

  That was all.

  So simple.

  I would have my revenge.

  Chapter Thirty

  How long did I stand there in the bathroom just staring at those pills? It was as if time stood still. All I could think about was how I could make them all sorry for the way they had treated me.

  But I wouldn’t be around to enjoy my revenge. I’d be dead and gone. I wouldn’t be able to see my funeral, witness their tears of misery, see the trouble they would be in. It would only be fun if I could leap out of my coffin at the right moment and yell at them, ‘Gotya!’

  Erin really would pee her pants then.

  And that was what brought a smile to my lips. A smile. When was the last time I had smiled? Here I was in the depths of despair, and I was smiling. It was as if the old me was fighting to get through. The old Hannah who smiled all the time, who never let anything get her down.

  I tried to think straight. What was it that was lifting my spirits from somewhere deep inside me? As if a trapped animal was struggling to get out.

  The old me. A faint voice was calling to me. Don’t do it. I want to live.

  I stared at myself in the mirror. What a mess I had become. Hardly bothering to fix my hair, dark circles under my eyes, my face drawn and streaked with tears.

  And why?

  Because my friends had deserted me. They had turned on me. I had sworn to them that I wasn’t the one who had told everyone Erin’s secret, and they hadn’t believed me. I had done everything to get them back. I had humiliated myself in front of the whole school, and it still wasn’t enough. They wouldn’t have me.

  The voice inside me was getting louder, and I listened.

  I had come to this because there was nowhere else for me to go. No other road for me to take. I was frightened and alone.

  Yet something inside wanted them to know what they’d done to me. And pay for it.

  What do you do if you’re chased up a one-way street and find yourself trapped? When there’s nowhere else for you to go and they’re all after you?

  Do you cower in a corner and plead for mercy?

  No.

  You turn and fight.

  The voice inside me grew louder still.

  It was the thought of revenge that had made me smile. But I had to be here to see that revenge, not dead and buried under the ground, food for worms.

  Getting my own back on every last one of them. How great would that be?

  Making them pay for what they had done to me.

  I was trembling. But it wasn’t fear or despair any more. It was determination. They had got me to this point. The point where I was ready to take those pills and end it all.

  I suddenly realised that I would have no revenge that way. They would simply say I was weak, like my mother. I pictured those headlines again. Only this time they read.

  HANNAH DRISCOLL, A VICTIM OF SUICIDE

  And that would be how I would be remembered – a victim.

  Not good enough, not for Hannah Driscoll.

  I had let a bunch of so-called friends drag me down so low that I had no pride.

  The real me had been buried under all that shame. Now she was clawing her way back. She was telling me I couldn’t let them win. Her voice was bellowing in my ear now.

  I could either go back to school tomorrow, cowering like a wimp, or I could stride in, with my head held high.

  What was it I had always had, and they loved me for it?

  Attitude.

  And suddenly, it was like that magical moment when a dolphin breaks the surface of the ocean and leaps into the air. I felt my attitude leap to the surface, just like that.

  I felt it fill my body like blood pumping through my veins. Bringing with it new life. That’s exactly how I felt. I was beginning a new life. It was the most wonderful moment I could remember.

  The old me was back. She settled into my skin and filled me, and I knew nothing would make me lose her again. Mrs Tasker would kill me for all these mixed metaphors! But that was how I felt.

  The old me was my real friend. No one else. And she hadn’t deserted me. I had been the one who had deserted her.

  I closed the door of the bathroom cabinet and splashed my face. Then I stood up straight and stared at the new me. Did my eyes look brighter? I was sure they did. I had made my choice. I was going to school with my head held high.

  Then I remembered Wizzie and her gang. They had threatened to get me. I would be easy meat. I was alone, didn’t belong any more.

  Wizzie and the Hell Cats were in for a shock too. They had threatened to get me?

  Well, I was going to get them first.

  Part 3

  The Hell Cats

  Chapter Thirty-One

  My only fear was that the feeling would wear off during the night. It didn’t. I woke up next morning like a tiger coming to life. To think I had even considered not waking up at all on this beautiful morning.

  Even my mother noticed the difference in me. She’s usually so wrapped up in herself she doesn’t notice anything. I walked into the kitchen as she was filling the washing machine. ‘Are you OK? Your cheeks are really flushed.’

  ‘I feel brilliant,’ I said, and that surprised her.

  Her cheeks were red too. ‘About yesterday, Hannah, me coming up to the school …’ Was that only yesterday? It had seemed so important yesterday. Today, it didn’t matter at all. She tried to apologise. ‘Maybe I did the wrong thing coming to the school. I always do the wrong thing. But I’m a woman on my own, I haven’t got anybody to support me.’

  If I kept on listening to this I was
afraid she’d drag me down again. So I stopped her in mid-flow. ‘It’s OK, Mum. Doesn’t matter. Got to go.’

  She dragged her hair back with her fingers. ‘This early?’

  ‘It’s a nice morning for a walk,’ I said.

  She followed me to the door. ‘Are you sure you’re all right? You seem different today.’

  Different wasn’t the word. I was back. For weeks I had tried to sneak in the school gates, hoping no one would notice me. Today I wanted them to see me. I wanted them all to see me. It was a cold crisp morning and the sun shone on the snow-tipped purple hills. Everything looked clearer and brighter today.

  Just as I arrived at the school gates, the bus pulled up beside me and Erin jumped off with Heather at her heels.

  ‘Oh, look who’s here, Heather,’ she sneered. ‘The wimp.’

  I ignored her. I couldn’t argue with that. I had been a wimp. But no more. She strode ahead of me. Why had I never noticed before what fat ankles Erin had? I had always thought she was so perfect. And Heather, always hanging on her every word as if she didn’t have a mind of her own. Had I been like that too?

  Erin stopped in front of me, barring my way. She swivelled round to face me. ‘What time’s your mum coming today … or is she here already? Maybe you’ve packed her in your rucksack.’

  I didn’t answer at first. I just looked at Erin. I stared and I stared. It was Erin who blinked first. ‘Buzz off,’ I said, and I glanced at Heather. ‘And take your monkey with you.’

  Heather gasped. ‘Who are you calling a monkey?’

  ‘I’ll give you a mirror. You can figure it out for yourself.’

  ‘We’ll make you sorry you said that.’ Erin tried to sound threatening, and do you know what? It didn’t work any more. I just smiled.

  ‘In your dreams,’ I said.

  I wasn’t interested in them. I was just pleased they looked so baffled by my attitude. The one I was really interested in was swaggering up towards the school.