Worse Than Boys Read online

  They stopped in their tracks as they saw us storming towards them. I only halted when I was inches away from Lauren’s face. I spat the words out at her. ‘It was your sister, wasn’t it?’

  Lauren looked at Wizzie as if I’d spoken in a foreign language.

  ‘At least have the courage to admit it was her. She was listening at the door of the ladies, wasn’t she? Heard Erin telling me. She’s the one who spread it, isn’t she? She told you, and you told everybody else.’ I hated the desperation and the anger in my voice. I couldn’t stop it.

  Lauren took a step back and peered at me, her eyes half shut. ‘You think my sister told me that your pal, Erin here, pishes the bed … and I spread it about. Is that it?’

  I had wanted her to look guilty. But she didn’t. Her kind wouldn’t. She probably thought there was nothing wrong in what she’d done. Lauren just looked amused. As if it was a great joke.

  ‘My sister?’ she said. ‘She heard you talking in the toilets? She was outside the ladies and you were inside and she was listening? Is that your story?’

  Erin was right behind me. I could feel her tense herself. Ready for a fight.

  I wanted to show her I was her friend, her best friend. ‘Yes, your scabby sister. She was a waitress, and not a very good one.’ I tried to use some of my old boldness. By tonight, I thought, we’ll all be at Erin’s house, laughing about this. Everything would have been explained and I would have punched Lauren’s front teeth halfway down her throat. ‘She was standing at the door of the ladies’ listening to everything we said.’ I could picture it so clearly in my mind’s eye, it had to be the truth. ‘And then she couldn’t wait to tell you, because she knows you’ve got such a big mouth.’

  Wizzie was sneering in what would have passed for her as a smile. There was a weight like a bowling ball in the pit of my stomach. Why couldn’t they just admit that was what had happened?

  Wizzie turned to Lauren. ‘Will you tell her, or will I?’ she said.

  ‘Oh, let me, Wizzie.’ And Lauren looked at me and she smiled triumphantly. That’s the only way I could describe that smile. Triumphant. Then she went on. ‘My sister couldn’t have heard you if you’d used a megaphone. My sister’s deaf.’

  Chapter Eighteen

  Deaf.

  From somewhere in the back of my mind flashed a picture of Lauren’s sister at the wedding. The way she stared at people, I had thought she was being so rude. Now I realised she had been reading people’s lips, studying their faces. And she hadn’t ignored Erin. She simply hadn’t heard her.

  Deaf.

  It hadn’t been her sister after all. Couldn’t have been. But who else?

  I didn’t get time to think it out. I was suddenly punched in the head. It was Erin. ‘You lying cow! You nearly had me falling for that. I hate you.’

  I tried to talk to her, but she spat in my face. ‘You’re worse than them,’ she nodded at Wizzie. ‘At least they’ve got an excuse for being retards.’

  I expected Wizzie to leap at her for saying that. But she didn’t. Instead, she settled herself on top of the table and crossed her legs. ‘This is so much fun. The Lip Gloss Girls are fighting amongst themselves.’ Then she laughed. ‘Better hurry, Erin. Those incontinence knickers only hold so much.’

  She clapped her hands as Erin turned away from her, but this time Erin wasn’t crying. She was too angry to cry. ‘I’ll get you for that, Wizzie.’ Then her eyes moved to me and there was hate in them. ‘And I’ll get you as well. You wait and see if I don’t.’

  I walked through the rest of the day in a dream. No, a nightmare. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. All I wanted to do was cry. How was I going to convince Erin that I would never have betrayed her? She wouldn’t even look at me, and I couldn’t get near her. She was always surrounded, not just by Rose and Heather, but by other girls on the edges of our gang. Geraldine Mooney, always wanting to be one of us, suddenly was. She stood in front of Erin, glaring at me.

  I tried texting Erin, but she wouldn’t answer, and I knew when she saw my number coming up on her phone she would just ignore it.

  I tried to text her again, at break, and for a moment, just a moment, I thought she was going to answer me. We were in the English corridor, and she stared at my text and then she stared at me, and started walking towards me, holding the phone in her hand. She came so close to me, I thought she must have forgiven me, believed me at last. She stopped inches from my face and held the phone in front of me so I could see my message clearly on the screen. Then, with the press of a button, the text was gone.

  ‘Erased!’ Erin snapped at me. ‘Your message, and you. Erased from my life, for ever.’

  She had erased me from her life. And not just Erin. All of them had erased me. That’s what made it so hard. I had no one to talk to, no one to confide in. And I so wanted someone to talk to. These were my friends, my best friends. Friends for ever. And now, suddenly, I had none of them in my life.

  At home that night I didn’t eat any dinner and went straight to my room. Mum came in to see me before she went to bed. She couldn’t fail to see I’d been crying. The soaking pillow and puffy eyes were a dead giveaway. ‘Are you OK? Still not made up with Erin?’

  I wished I could tell her, but if I did there was no knowing how she would react.

  ‘I was watching a sad film on TV,’ I said.

  And she believed me. ‘You shouldn’t get yourself into a state about a film on TV.’ She shook her head. ‘Real life’s bad enough.’

  I had never agreed with my mum about that till that moment. I’d always thought real life was brilliant. Now I felt like screaming at her, ‘Don’t tell me about real life. I know how bad it is.’

  I woke up next morning and prayed it had all been a dream. Of course, it wasn’t. And when I went to school I found it wasn’t just my friends who were avoiding me. Everyone was – as if I had something catching. I had grassed on a friend. You can’t sink any lower than that. Even Wizzie and her scummy mates knew that. Every time I passed them in the corridor they taunted me. Until finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I rammed Lauren against the wall before any of them could stop me. ‘OK, maybe your sister didn’t hear us, but one of the other waitresses did, and they told her.’

  I’d had time to think about it and it was the only possible explanation. Grace and Sonya were on me in a second, dragging me off Lauren.

  ‘Still can’t admit you’re a grass?’ Grace sniggered. ‘I hate cowards.’

  I threw them off me. ‘I’ll find out who it was, don’t you worry.’

  ‘Who cares?’ Wizzie sniggered. ‘But say another word about Lauren’s sister and you’re in even more trouble, Driscoll.’

  Lunchtime was the worst. I waited in the queue, alone, and with my tray in my hand I walked the length of the canteen to our table. We always sat at the same table. It was the Lip Gloss Girls’ table and everyone knew it. No one else ever sat there. Our gang, our table and I automatically headed towards it. They saw me coming, didn’t take their eyes off me. They waited till the last moment when I was right beside them before spreading themselves out, making it impossible for me to sit anywhere. I stood there for ages, like an idiot. I heard the sniggers all around, heard Wizzie’s voice. ‘It’s not a tray she needs, it’s a begging bowl.’

  And still I couldn’t move. ‘Please,’ I said, hating myself for sounding so pitiful. ‘You’re my best friends. Just let me sit down.’

  Erin swore at me. I’d never heard her swear before. ‘You’re no friend of ours. Can you not take a hint?’ And then she told me exactly where I could put my tray.

  Chapter Nineteen

  My mother at last figured out something was wrong. Quick, eh? However, she thought it was a boy! ‘First love,’ she said. ‘I remember mine. The ugliest boy in the school. I was mad about him, till somebody pointed out he was probably the best I could get. And I realised she was right. I was going with him because I couldn’t get anybody better. Story of my life, eh?’
r />   It wasn’t going to be the story of mine! I’d always said I didn’t want to be like my mother. I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself, or put myself down the way she did. Yet here I was, doing just that. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t even tell her it wasn’t a boy. As if I’d be so upset over a boy! I just wanted her to go away.

  Mrs Tasker saw how upset I was too. She kept me back in class, saw my red-rimmed eyes, saw how the others ignored me, passing me notebooks and pencils by their fingertips as if they might catch something off me.

  ‘This has gone on far too long, Hannah.’

  I knew she had heard the story and I wanted her to know I wasn’t responsible. ‘I’d never do anything like that.’

  ‘Have you tried to talk to Erin on her own?’

  ‘She won’t listen. You see how none of them talk to me.’

  She was silent for a moment, as if she was thinking about something. ‘If I find a way for you to speak to her, do you think that would help?’

  My heart leapt with hope. ‘That’s all I need, Mrs Tasker. If I had a chance to talk to Erin without other people butting in I know I could explain. She’s my best friend.’

  Mrs Tasker steered me towards the door. ‘Come here at lunchtime, just before you’re ready to go back to class. I’ll have Erin here too.’

  ‘She won’t come if she knows I’m going to be here.’

  ‘Then I won’t tell her, Hannah. It’ll be our secret.’

  Our secret. The words were like a knife slicing through me now, but at least I had some hope. In the quiet of Mrs Tasker’s classroom I would make Erin listen. Make her believe me. I knew I could.

  All that morning I was like a cat on hot tiles. I couldn’t stay still. Couldn’t think of anything but meeting up with Erin.

  I walked the corridor to Mrs Tasker’s class as if I was a dead man walking. I was getting my chance and I wasn’t going to waste it. If I could explain everything to Erin, then this would only be a hiccup in a perfect friendship.

  Erin almost jumped out of the window when Mrs Tasker opened the door on me. Her face flushed with anger. ‘So, this is why you wanted to see me. Well, I’m not staying. I don’t want to talk to her.’

  She got up from her seat but Mrs Tasker ordered her to sit down again, and Mrs Tasker is one of those teachers who, when she tells you to do something, you do it. She motioned me to the seat across from Erin.

  ‘Now, I’ll speak, and you will both listen,’ she began. ‘I’ve brought you here, because I see two girls who have always been friends. I’ve not always been happy about the direction that friendship was taking, but you were friends.’

  ‘Not any more!’ Erin snapped.

  Mrs Tasker snapped back at her. ‘You’ll have your chance to speak, Erin.’ Then she went on, ‘Now, because one of you has inadvertently let something slip about the other …’

  This time it was me who jumped to my feet. ‘No. That’s the whole point. I didn’t let anything slip.’

  ‘I’m sure it wasn’t deliberate, Hannah,’ Mrs Tasker said, as if she was making things better. But this wasn’t what I wanted at all.

  ‘Erin has to know that I didn’t tell anyone. Honest.’

  Erin tutted and sucked in her cheeks and looked out of the window.

  Mrs Tasker only looked at me for a moment as if she was considering whether what I said could possibly be true. ‘Well, that is something for Erin to think about too.’ Yet I could see that she didn’t believe me. I could see that in her eyes. She didn’t blame me. She was sure it was accidentally done, but she had no doubt I had done it anyway. What chance did I have of convincing Erin?

  ‘Why don’t you speak to Erin now … have your say, and you, Erin, I want you to listen to all Hannah has to say without interrupting.’

  I poured out my heart then, and Erin did listen. Her lips were pursed and her face was grim, but she listened.

  I spoke till I had nothing else to say, till I was just repeating the same thing over and over. ‘It had to be someone else, Erin. Had to be.’

  ‘But who?’ Mrs Tasker asked.

  My eyes flicked from Erin to the teacher, trying to convince them both. ‘I thought at first it was Lauren’s sister. She was a waitress at Erin’s sister’s wedding,’ I explained.

  ‘She’s deaf,’ Erin said flatly.

  ‘I know, but what if one of the other waitresses overheard us and she told Lauren’s sister. She could have used sign language or something. Then Lauren’s sister tells Lauren and, zoom, it’s all over the school by next day. That’s the only explanation.’

  Erin didn’t say anything at first. She kept her eyes fixed on the floor. It was Mrs Tasker who spoke. ‘Well, Erin, that seems a perfectly reasonable explanation. Hannah has sworn it wasn’t her. Has she ever let you down before?’

  Erin still didn’t look at me, but she shook her head. ‘No,’ she said.

  ‘Well, are you willing to shake hands on that?’

  Erin still didn’t say anything. I couldn’t stop myself. ‘Please, Erin, this has been horrible for me.’

  ‘Horrible … for you?’ Erin said, as if she was shocked.

  ‘Horrible for you too, I know that.’

  Mrs Tasker leant over and touched Erin’s hand. ‘Come on, Erin. Think of all the good times you’ve had together. All the years of friendship you’ve shared.’

  Erin looked at me at last. I couldn’t fathom her eyes. She held my gaze for a long time before turning to our teacher. ‘All right,’ she said. Her voice was barely a whisper.

  It was as if the sun had burst into the office. ‘All right.’ Magic words. My hand was shaking as I held it out to her. Mrs Tasker nodded and smiled. ‘Go on, Erin.’

  Erin took my hand. Hers was cold and clammy and limp. I shook it so hard I thought it would fall off. ‘Oh, thanks, Erin. Thanks. You won’t be sorry. I’ll be the best friend you ever had from now on.’

  I knew I was on the verge of tears, felt them welling up in my eyes. But I didn’t want to cry. I was too happy to cry.

  Mrs Tasker stood up and sighed. A job well done. ‘Now, you two girls run along to class. I told your teacher you’d both be a little late.’

  She stood at her classroom door watching us as we walked off, side by side. I couldn’t stop babbling. ‘Oh Erin, everything’s going to be so good now. You’ll see. We’ll get Lauren back for it, don’t you worry.’

  Erin stopped walking and turned to me. She glanced at Mrs Tasker’s door. It was just closing. Erin’s face twisted into an ugly grin. ‘Did you really think I believed any of the crap you were spouting in there?’

  I reached out to touch her arm and she drew herself back as if I was a leper. ‘You must think my head buttons up at the back, Driscoll. Because I am no friend of yours and never will be again.’ Then she leant close to my face. ‘And we are going to get you for this. Don’t you worry. We’re going to make you sorry.’

  And then she was gone, clattering down the corridor at full speed. And I knew then it was no use. I was no longer her friend. Never would be again.

  It was over.

  Part Two

  Limbo

  Chapter Twenty

  The days seemed to merge into a nightmare – a nightmare I never seemed to wake from. I was literally without friends. I had never needed any others except for the Lip Gloss Girls – hadn’t bothered making any. In fact, I’d shunned most of the other girls. We all had. They weren’t good enough for any of us. Now they were all getting their own back on me. They shunned me.

  ‘Don’t try to be our pal now, Driscoll,’ I would be told. ‘We don’t want Erin’s cast-offs.’

  That was the message whenever I tried to be friendly with anyone. I was Erin’s cast-off and nobody wanted me. I would stand silently in a corner of the yard and watch as they passed me by.

  I would see Wizzie and the rest forward their text messages about me from one phone to another, giggling at me, laughing out loud at whatever was written. I was a joke. And I had no answer
for them.

  ‘Where’s your smart mouth now?’ someone asked me one day. Yes, where was my smart mouth? I couldn’t find the joke in this at all. Didn’t know how to handle it.

  I was pushed and jostled in the corridors, left to sit alone in the canteen. Always alone.

  ‘How does it feel to be bullied yourself?’ Nan Gates, one of the other girls in my class, asked me one day.

  ‘I was never a bully!’ I said to her. Yet I remembered the times we had made fun of her frizzy red hair, called her a ‘ginger’, rejected her attempts to be one of us. Had I been a bully?

  How I hated going to school. I made futile excuses to stay home. They seldom worked. Mrs Tasker watched me closely. She knew her little ploy hadn’t worked, but she didn’t try again. I couldn’t blame her. It would have been no use. There was nothing left. It was as if me and the rest of the girls had never been friends.

  Mum asked why my friends never came round to visit any more. Why was I never round at Erin’s? Why didn’t they phone? I made excuse after excuse. I became an expert at lying.

  ‘We’re all studying hard.’

  ‘Heather’s been grounded.’

  ‘Erin has flu.’

  I even took to going to the cinema myself, and pretended I was meeting the girls there. Sad, or what?

  One awful night I was sitting in the back row when they all came in, Erin and Rose and Heather. They were giggling, chucking popcorn at each other and everyone else, making too much noise, talking too loud. I slid so far down in my seat I was practically on the floor, terrified they would spot me – see how pathetic I’d become. And yet, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I was mesmerised watching them, wishing I was still one of them, still sharing all that fun.

  I wondered if they ever missed me too. Missed my jokes. Missed all the fun we’d had together. I watched them for ages in the dark of the cinema, then I snuck out, almost crawling on my hands and knees. Crawling like a dog. Ridiculous, and funny too. Even I could see the funny side of it.