Worse Than Boys Read online

  That was so typical of Mum. She could never accept a compliment with any grace. She always turned it into an insult.

  It was one of those real West of Scotland days, with battleship-grey clouds hanging so low you felt you could reach up and sink your hands into them. They hovered above us, threatening at any minute to open up and flood us with a downpour. ‘Don’t you dare ruin my hair!’ I yelled at them, as we stood outside the church, waiting for the bride to arrive.

  ‘Or my dress!’ Heather added. She was resplendent in pink. A bit too much like a marshmallow, if you asked me.

  Rose looked gorgeous in petrol blue. She always looked older than the rest of us. She even had boobs, big ones too.

  I was wearing a green jacket and skirt. My mum had already told me green just wasn’t my colour. Now she was hanging about outside the church doors with her camera, gushing compliments on the wedding party as each of them arrived in their taxis – much to my embarrassment.

  ‘What a lovely mother of the bride you make,’ she gushed at Erin’s mother.

  Personally I thought Erin’s mum looked ridiculous. Her hat was like a spaceship. ‘Did she land in that thing?’ I whispered to Heather. Every time she turned her head she almost knocked someone out.

  My mother just couldn’t give up. ‘Though you hardly look old enough to be the mother of the bride.’

  If my mother thought she was getting round Mrs Brodie with compliments she was wrong. But that didn’t stop my mum. ‘Such a lovely outfit. And look at our Erin! Isn’t she just lovely?’

  Erin’s mum turned away with a tight smile. ‘Our Erin’ whispered to me, ‘You poor thing, Hannah. You must be so embarrassed.’

  I knew what she meant. I felt like yelling at her. ‘Shut up, Mum!’ I wanted her away from here altogether.

  When Avril arrived Mum was even worse. She shouted over everyone’s head, ‘She’s like a fairy-tale princess.’

  Personally, I thought Avril looked more like a meringue. But I didn’t say. I ooh-ed and ah-ed with the rest of them, and was so glad my mum had to go off to work before the church ceremony. I only relaxed once she’d gone.

  The rain held off until we were all on the bus taking the guests to the hotel on the river, where the reception was being held. Then it came down like a torrent. But the weather didn’t matter by that time. The photographs had been taken and everyone was in a mood to party.

  There was champagne laid out in the hotel foyer on our arrival – unfortunately we were only allowed orange juice. We clocked right away to see if there would be any boys there, but Erin had already warned us that, apart from her brother’s friends, she only had two spotty male cousins, and if the groom was anything to go by, his family had only just learnt how to walk upright.

  ‘Straight out of the trees,’ I said.

  ‘Trust you, Hannah!’ Heather giggled. ‘I’m ready for a laugh.’

  ‘We’re going to have a laugh … One a minute, OK?’ At that point Rose got herself locked in one of the toilets and had to be rescued, and we knew the night had begun.

  We were given a table to ourselves at the meal. ‘Look who’s serving at the top table!’ I said. It was Lauren’s older sister. There was a distinct family resemblance. Lauren’s sister just looked cleaner. ‘She’s being so rude!’ You couldn’t help but notice the way she stared at people as they spoke to her. ‘If she looks at me like that I’ll punch her.’

  ‘Please,’ Heather said with a giggle. ‘No violence.’

  Lauren’s sister, and everything else that might spoil our night, was soon forgotten. The meal was wonderful, and in between the starter and the main course, a haggis was piped in. We tasted each other’s food and declared everything more delicious than anything we had ever tasted before. We couldn’t stop giggling like idiots. Erin was stuck at the top table and kept waving at us and mouthing, ‘Wish I was there.’

  I couldn’t blame her. The best man, sitting next to her, looked like he’d just been let out for the day from the local zoo. After the meal the speeches began and we sneaked off, deciding it would be more fun to be stuck in the toilets again. By the time we came out the tables had been cleared and pushed to the sides of the room and the band were setting up to play.

  Erin’s mum came up to us and led us to a table. ‘You sit here, girls,’ she said. ‘I’m so glad you could all be here today. I wanted all Erin’s friends to be with her.’

  Now that she’d taken off her massive hat she was left with a ring round her hair. She didn’t seem to care. She was on a high. ‘Now, you girls enjoy yourselves. Just ask when you want more orange juice.’

  I shook my head. ‘If I drink any more orange juice I’ll turn orange myself. And that just doesn’t go with green.’

  She giggled. ‘I’m going to send over a bowl of non-alcoholic punch to your table. How does that sound? But if you fancy anything else you can get it at the bar.’

  ‘Whisky, gin, vodka?’ I suggested.

  It took her a moment to see I was only joking, then she laughed again. ‘What a girl you are, Hannah!’

  ‘She is so nice,’ Heather said as we watched her stagger off in her high heels to the next table.

  ‘My mum and her have started going to yoga together,’ Rose said.

  ‘I know. That’s the yoga class my mum goes to,’ Heather added.

  ‘I’ll have to get Mrs Driscoll to join them.’ I didn’t want to be left out. But we all knew that would never happen. Everyone avoided my mum like the plague. I could watch people cross to the other side of the street to avoid her. I understood that. If she hadn’t been my mother, I’d have done it too.

  Erin swished towards us in her bridesmaid’s dress. ‘Having a nice time?’ She squeezed herself into a chair beside me. ‘Did you see who was serving at my table?’

  We told her we had.

  ‘I kept looking out to make sure she wasn’t spitting in my soup,’ she said.

  ‘She was being so rude.’

  Erin agreed with me at once. ‘You’re telling me! I shouted after her to get more crusty bread and she totally ignored me. How she was allowed to serve at the top table I’ll never know.’ She pulled up her dress and took off her shoes and began rubbing her toes. ‘My feet are killing me and I’ve got to dance with the best man.’

  We looked across the hall and there he was, waving at her. He was the drippiest-looking guy I had ever seen, and to make things worse he was wearing a kilt.

  ‘If I had legs like that I’d have them amputated.’ I giggled. ‘They look like a couple of matchsticks under a pelmet.’

  I think he heard because he turned and glared at me. Either that or he was really constipated.

  Erin’s brother, Calum, brought our special bowl of punch to us. ‘Just for you, girls,’ he said. Calum was dishy, but not interested in any of us, of course. He was with his mates and they all moved off in search of good-looking female guests.

  After the first waltz, Erin was finally free to join us. She ladled punch into her glass and we all giggled and laughed and talked about everyone at the wedding.

  Just for a moment, I sat back in my chair. Everyone in the hall seemed to become just shadows in the background. The lights dimmed and the music faded. My friends were leaning across the table, laughing. It was as if we were the only real people in the room.

  And I thought to myself, This is the best night of my life.

  Chapter Twelve

  The night just seemed to get better after that.

  The band announced there had been a request for Rose to go up to sing. It was actually me who requested it, though I didn’t tell her that. She was over the moon. She tried to pretend she was mortified, couldn’t possibly sing in front of all these people, but she was up on that stage before you could say Pop Idol.

  She sang ‘Summer Lovin’. I knew she would. She’d been practising it for ages. It was the song she planned to sing at the audition for the school show, although as Rose liked to inform us, the actual title was ‘Summer Nights
’. ‘Summer Nights’ or ‘Summer Lovin’, she managed to squeeze in two more verses – I think she made them up. The band began to think she was never getting off the stage, so they finally stopped playing and she had to shut up. We leapt to our feet when she’d finished, cheering and clapping and stamping our feet enthusiastically.

  ‘If she sings like that at the auditions, she’ll definitely get the part of Sandy,’ Erin said. ‘She’s not got any competition anyway. She’s the best singer in the school.’

  We were up for every dance after that, from the Slosh to the Highland Fling. As soon as the music started we were up there, in the middle of the floor, causing havoc, knocking people over, laughing ourselves silly.

  At the line dancing they started getting really annoyed at us. Erin and I were pushed off the floor.

  ‘Some people are trying to dance here,’ one of the guests said. The man had changed into cowboy boots and a ten-gallon hat. Considering he was also still wearing his kilt, he looked ridiculous.

  ‘How can you take this seriously?’ I yelled back at him.

  When we got back to our table, Calum had brought us more punch. ‘This is great stuff,’ I told him. ‘I don’t normally like lemonade.’

  Calum and his pals laughed so much I thought they were about to have a fit. ‘Maybe the vodka’s got something to do with it.’

  They all walked away, still laughing. I looked at Erin. For the first time I noticed her eyes were crossed. ‘Did he say vodka?’

  ‘My mum’ll kill him if she finds that out,’ she said, taking another sip.

  We watched Heather and Rose stumbling about on the dance floor, tumbling against people, annoying everyone.

  ‘I don’t think he’s kidding. I think it is vodka he put in there. No wonder we’re having so much fun.’ That only made us giggle all the more. ‘Don’t tell them,’ I said, pointing at Heather and Rose.

  Then we both giggled. The country music stopped at last. The daft line dancers reluctantly left the floor, and we were suddenly grabbed by two of Erin’s uncles and pulled on to the floor for a Gay Gordons. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a dance that includes a lot of twirling and birling, and halfway through I saw Erin’s face turn as green as my outfit.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  She shook her head. ‘I think I’m going to be sick.’

  Her uncle positively threw her at me, as if she was ready to vomit all over his kilt. I grabbed her and led her to the toilets. ‘It must be that vodka,’ I said.

  ‘I don’t feel well, Hannah.’

  Erin just made it into a cubicle before she emptied her whole stomach. She knelt on the floor with her head in the bowl, and I sat beside her and rubbed her back as she threw up. What are friends for? Finally, she slumped against the wall, exhausted. Her skin was the colour of wax and her face was covered in sweat. I wet some paper towels and dabbed at her face to cool her down. Then I slid to the floor beside her.

  ‘Feel better?’ I asked.

  She nodded.

  ‘It’s been a great night, hasn’t it?’

  ‘Up till now,’ Erin said softly.

  ‘Not your fault you were sick,’ I said.

  ‘You’re a great friend, Hannah.’

  I only shrugged my shoulders. ‘And you’re a great friend. The best.’

  ‘Do you mean that?’ she said, suddenly more serious. ‘You’re supposed to have only one best friend, did you know that? There’s four of us. So which one of us would you say was your best friend?’

  Was she testing me? What did she want me to say? I knew what I wanted to say. Erin. I wanted Erin to be my best friend. I thought of her as my best friend, but I had a feeling we all did. So I wouldn’t say it. I’d die of embarrassment if she said she preferred Heather or Rose.

  But she didn’t.

  ‘You’re mine,’ she confessed. ‘I’ve always thought you and me are special.’

  That was how I felt too, how I’d always felt. ‘I think so too,’ I said. ‘But what about Heather and Rose?’

  ‘They’re great … almost best friends. But I couldn’t be best friends with Rose. She’s so vain. Her best friend’s her mirror. And as for Heather … let’s face it. She’s lovely, but a bit thick, don’t you think so? She’s just not in our league, Hannah. She’s not as smart as you and me. I mean, she never gets a joke. Haven’t you noticed that?’

  How true was that? I agreed with Erin eagerly.

  ‘But you’re the best, Hannah.’ She hugged me so tightly, I could hardly breathe.

  ‘You’d probably say the same thing to Rose or Heather if they were here instead of me.’

  She pushed me away from her. ‘No, I would not,’ she said. ‘Don’t you believe me?’

  ‘I want to.’

  ‘Do you want me to prove it?’ she said suddenly.

  ‘What do you mean, “prove it”?’ And I giggled.

  ‘What if I tell you something I’ve never told anybody else in my whole life? A secret.’ Her voice quivered. ‘The seventh magpie. Do you know what the seventh magpie is, Hannah?’

  ‘One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, and four for a boy –’

  Erin took it up. ‘Five for silver, six for gold –’

  I finished it for her. ‘Seven for a secret never to be told …’

  ‘That’s right.’ What she actually said was. ‘Thatsh-right.’ She was slurring her words. Her eyes were hooded. She looked as if she was about to fall asleep. I realised she must be drunk. Talking rubbish, I thought.

  ‘A secret?’ I said. ‘What secret can you possibly have?’

  She began to bite at her knuckles nervously. ‘Have you never wondered how I don’t ever sleep over … anywhere?’

  ‘You hate leaving your mum.’ It was the reason she always gave. I had never doubted it. ‘And your mum can’t bear the thought of not having her wee Erin in the house.’

  Erin shook her head. Her face was so grey now I thought she was going to be sick again. ‘There’s another reason.’

  Now I was intrigued. ‘What reason?’

  She began waving her hands about. ‘No … no! Big mistake if I tell. Let the circle be unbroken. That’s what my mum always says.’ She was trying to stop herself from telling me all. But by now, she really had me hooked. A secret. A secret never to be told.

  ‘Oh, come on, Erin. You can’t stop now. What is it? Wait a minute …’ I giggled. ‘You’re really a family of aliens, studying humans, and you all turn into fat ugly gits at midnight.’

  ‘I wish,’ she said, and she began giggling too. ‘I wish it was something as simple as that. If I tell, you’ve got to promise never to tell. On your mother’s life. On your life. Never to tell anybody. It’s still a secret. Right? Our secret.’

  I crossed my heart. I even crossed my eyes and that made Erin laugh again. But her eyes were nipped with tears.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked, desperate now to know.

  Still she held back, bit her lip. It was almost as if she was in pain. She was finding it hard to say the words. But I knew she wouldn’t not tell me now.

  ‘Oh, it’s so embarrassing.’ And Erin blushed and I’d never seen Erin blush before.

  ‘You won’t embarrass me,’ I said, and I clutched at her hand.

  ‘The reason I don’t sleep over anywhere is because …’ There she went again with the long pause. ‘Because I wet the bed.’

  Chapter Thirteen

  I was totally gobsmacked. ‘You do … what?’

  Now she’d said it, she couldn’t stop everything else from tumbling out. ‘I still wet the bed. Almost every night. I hate myself. I don’t know why. My mum even had me at a child psychologist … Nothing worked. I still wet the bed. It’s so embarrassing.’

  For a moment I didn’t know what to say. It was the last thing I’d expected. Then before I could stop myself, I started laughing.

  Erin was horrified. She tried to spring to her feet till she remembered she was drunk. She was almost crying. ‘Hannah!’
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br />   I couldn’t stop laughing. I lay along the floor of the toilets. ‘I thought you were going to tell me something earth-shattering … You’ve got two weeks to live … Your mother’s had a sex change operation and she’s really your dad … Anything … And what do you tell me? … You wet the bed … I’m nearly wetting myself now … pssssh …’ I made a sound like running water.

  Erin didn’t know what to do. She was watching me, hate and puzzlement in her eyes. I pulled her close and hugged her.

  ‘Erin … It’s not the end of the world. And I promise I’ll never tell. Cross my heart and hope to die.’

  Erin smiled, unsurely, then she began laughing too. ‘But you’ve really got to mean it. You’ll never tell. I’d die if anybody else found out.’

  At that moment I wished so much I had a secret I could share with Erin. But even my mother’s secret was something everyone knew of, but never talked about. My life was an open book. I couldn’t come up with a thing. ‘I’ll never tell,’ I said. ‘Never in a hundred million years. I swear on my mother’s grave.’

  ‘Your mother’s not dead,’ Erin reminded me.

  ‘I’ll go home and murder her tonight and bury her. OK?’

  That made her laugh again. ‘You promise? Oh, please, please, don’t tell.’

  ‘Never,’ I said, as I helped her to her feet. ‘Pssshhhh …’ I said again. ‘Psshhh.’

  She stopped me. ‘You’ve got to promise this is the last time we’ll ever talk about this. You’ll never mention it again. It’ll be as if I never told you in the first place.’

  I knew then I could never joke about it with her. Not ever again. It was too embarrassing for her. I pulled a zip across my lips. ‘Never again.’

  We were arm in arm as we came out of the toilets. I’d never felt so close to Erin as I did that night. Erin had trusted me with her secret. A secret never to be told. No one else. No doubt about it now. I was Erin’s best friend.

  Heather was waiting for us at the door of the toilets, ready to drag us back into the middle of the dance floor. ‘They’re going to play “Loch Lomond”!’ she screamed. ‘I thought you were going to miss it.’